The Trump Atlas, from the people who brought you the Trump Bible

How thrilled Americans must be that their government has officially renamed the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America. Surely this outshines all President Trump’s other achievements, including gutting the federal government, switching support between Ukraine and Russia and sending tanks into Greenland and Canada.

Strange though, that the US persists in referring to the stretch of water between Iran and the states of the Arabian Peninsula as the “Persian Gulf”, as opposed to the “Arabian Gulf”, as it is known by those great American allies, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, the UAE, Kuwait, Oman and Bahrain. Given that Persia – or Iran as it’s been known for many decades – delights in calling America the Great Satan, and urging its death, you would have thought that the object of its affection would pay its allies the compliment of using their preferred nomenclature. But perhaps that’s yet to come, once all the treasonous reprobates who insist on referring to the Gulf of Mexico have been sent to Guantanamo.

I’d love to think that we Europeans settle such controversies by agreement rather than the diktat of the most powerful nation of the time. Alas, this has not always been the case. On my wall at home I have a map of the UK that refers to the waters to the North-East of the country as the German Ocean. It was only after the First World War, that said Ocean became the North Sea. If we had been able to, we probably would have called it the English Ocean, but this wouldn’t have gone down well with the French, the Belgians and other wartime allies who might also have had a claim on its nomenclature. So we all agreed on a suitable neutral name.

Perhaps the current US approach is similar to the centuries-old impasse between France and England over the naming of the channel of water that runs between Dover and Calais. We English call it the “English Channel”, and the French call it “La Manche”, or “The Sleeve”. A happy case of agreeing to differ that neither Henry V nor Napoleon did anything to disturb.

Since this blog is renowned for its incisive political commentary, you will no doubt be desperate to hear my take on this earth-shattering name grab by the US. It’s this: Trump will offer to change back to the Gulf of Mexico in return for Mexico ceding 50% of its oil and gas resources to its mighty neighbour.

Yes, I know that’s a monumentally silly suggestion. The trouble is, any serious and sober discussion of the antics of Trump and his rabble is instantly rendered irrelevant by each new act of malignant idiocy by the orange monster.

So perhaps the best approach to predicting Trump’s next move will be to make a list of the 50 craziest things you could imagine him doing, award points for each prediction that comes true and turn the whole exercise into a four-dimensional board game with a prize pot of bitcoins for each monthly winner kindly donated by Elon Musk. Think of the entry fees you could reap!

Better stop here. I see the people in white coats coming down the corridor with my morning medication.