Naughty Smurfs – GCHQ’s Secret Deficit Buster

So that’s what Britain’s GCHQ have been up to – sending in the Smurfs to control our phones.

So far, according to Edward Snowden, we have Dreamy Smurf that switches on our phones, Nosey Smurf that listens to our conversations, Tracker Smurf that reveals our location and Paranoid Smurf that disguises the fact that it controls your phone.

What’s next? It’s time GCHQ cooperated with other government departments than just the security services. Let’s have a think about what else it might be able to discover on our phones. How about these ground-breaking applications:

Greedy Smurf: listens to your order in a restaurant and informs your GP if the fat content is more than 20%.

Stasi Smurf: hears you cursing the police, the Queen or the Conservative Party and puts you on the terrorist watch list.

Teresa Smurf: listens to you ranting about immigration and puts you on the Conservative Party mailing list.

Wonga Smurf: listens to your conversations with your dodgy accountant about sneaky tax evasion tactics and sends them to the Inland Revenue

Madison Smurf: catches you cheating on your spouse and informs the spouse.

Smutty Smurf: catches you making ribald remarks about colleagues of the opposite sex and outs you on Twitter

Jezza Smurf: listens to you making admiring noises about Jeremy Corbyn and informs the police.

Drunken Smurf: tracks your erratic driving and informs the police.

Dirty Smurf (under-18s only): listens for groans and moans coming from your laptop and informs your parents.

Donald Smurf: catches you bad-mouthing America and informs the NSA.

Euro Smurf: catches you bad-mouthing the EU and puts you on Nigel Lawson’s anti-EU mailing list.

Come to think of it, GCHQ really needs to licence this technology so that all and sundry can listen in to our calls and read our texts.

Two benefits: first, we would eliminate the deficit in short order thanks to the massive royalty revenue stream from companies wanting to sell us stuff and benign foreign governments just dying to listen in on their citizens. Second, we would stop using our smart phones for anything other than emergencies and start talking to each other again – after sticking blutac on all its orifices.

Are you listening guys?